Tag Archives: general mental health

Stop, Drop, and Roll

Have you ever had one of those days? One of those days? When it seems like before you can even get yourself together for the day, everything is crumbling around you? I have too. They are a part of life, but that doesn’t make them enjoyable, and often, they don’t feel manageable when we are right in the thick of it. Not too long ago, I had one of those days. By 9am, I was ready to crawl back into bed, and wait for the day to be over. But, that wasn’t an option- I had things to do that day, so I had to get myself together. In the midst of my almost melt-down, three words came to me- Stop, Drop, and Roll.

Does that phrase sound familiar? When I was in elementary school, that was the fire safety motto- Stop Drop, and Roll. The idea was if you were to ever catch fire, these three actions were the quickest and safest way to minimize damage to yourself, and protect the safety of others. So, let’s see if we can make this work for a day that feels like it’s about to explode:

First, Stop and Center. Most of us have emotional, cognitive, and physical signs that we are feeling overwhelmed, but we often ignore those signs and try to press through. Instead, when you start to notice those signs ramping up, stop and center yourself. “Centering” can look different for all of us. Sometimes it’s a quiet prayer, a few deep breaths, a phone call to a friend, or maybe taking a walk to get a quick break. Whatever will help you to stop and calm down, do that.

Second, Drop What is Unnecessary.  When you are feeling on edge, you simply are not capable of doing everything. Often, if you try, you find that you make mistakes, don’t fully complete tasks, or aren’t invested the way you would want to. So, rather than try to do more than you are able, go into problem solving mode. What can wait until tomorrow, or maybe even next week? Rate the tasks you need to complete in terms of urgency and importance. Those things which are both urgent and important probably need to be done today. In most cases, everything else can wait until another day and you are in a better space.

Third, Roll with the punches. There is a term in psychotherapy training called “rolling with resistance.” It basically means that as clinicians, we don’t try to force people to do or talk about things when they aren’t ready to. This has become a strategy that I try to hold on to in my “real life” too. Sometimes, you can’t fix everything and you just have to roll with it. Sometimes, the project you’re working on won’t be perfect. Sometimes, you can’t make that friend not be upset at you. Sometimes, you just have to acknowledge that you are not at your best, but you will do what you can. Develop an idea of what “good enough” is, and let that be ok every once in a while. Allow yourself to have an off day. Remember that this day is only one day in the grand scheme of things. Even when things go wrong, you still have something to be thankful for!

So, next time you’re having one of those days, remember these three simple steps. Stop, Drop, and Roll! Trouble and frustration may knock you down, but they don’t have to take you out. Thanks for reading, and make well choices!

 

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Old Rules in New Places

I spent most of last week with some folks talking about how personality and family relationships impact the way we operate in the world, how we handle conflict, and how we manage relationships. Here are some examples:

  • Maybe you have expectations that people will behave a certain way (and even act on that!) before you give them a chance to show you who they really are.
  • Maybe you’re in a new relationship and you realize that you manage conflict in a way that seems to make conflict worse rather than better.
  • Maybe you notice you have a hard time giving people feedback directly, and instead tend to communicate in passive aggressive ways.
  • Maybe you work hard to take care of others, but have trouble asking people for what you need.

These are just a few examples that I see commonly. Often, people develop these patterns because that’s what they were taught, either in families or previous experiences. One of our great qualities as human beings is that, especially in our early years, we adapt and figure out the best way to be OK in the situation that we’ve been placed in. If it’s a healthy/functioning environment, we learn mostly healthy ways of being. If there are challenges or the environment is dysfunctional in some way, we might learn ways of being that only work in the specific environment– they don’t translate well to the outside world. There are lots of psychological terms that we can use to describe this process, but I typically describe it to people as using old rules in new environments. We’re creatures of habit. We spent lots of years developing the rules that helped us to fulfill our roles in our families. So, when we get into an environment that operates differently, it can be a little hard to adapt. The challenge is that sometimes, the old rules don’t get us what we need. In fact, they may case more hurt than help. Here’s a thought experiment: think about a pattern or habit that seems to cause some conflict for you. Then ask yourself, “Why do I do this? Where did it come from?”  For many of us, that answer is either that our family did it that way, or the strategy was successful in some other past situation. But, that doesn’t it’s right for what you’re facing right now!

As adults, we tend to move into habit over adaptation. It mostly serves to keep us comfortable and save energy for what we see as more important things, but sometimes, we need to adapt again. In most situations where you’re feeling stuck, there’s simply a more effective way to get what you need or want. This may take some experimentation, or it may require a conversation with the people close to you- many times, they can tell you what isn’t working and what will.

Don’t ever become so complacent that you are not ready to handle the newness in your life! Things change, and in order to be best prepared for the changes, we have to be ready to adapt as needed. Many of us have been hoping and praying for newness- don’t mess it up by following the same old rules! Ask yourself: Are there some areas I need to adapt to be happy and fulfilled? Thanks for reading, and make Well Choices.

Behold, I am doing a new thing;
    now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? Isaiah 43:19a