When the Path Isn’t Straight

I hear a common sentiment in my clinical and vocational work that goes something like:

I didn’t do things the “right” way so I was delayed getting to the point I’m at now.

I really struggle with this sentiment for a number of reasons. First, I have heard SO MANY people say this! Almost every single person I know has at some point felt this way about our journey. If all of us feel this way, is there a possibility that there simply isn’t a right way?? I think a big pice of this is the issue we have with social comparison. We often compare ourselves to others in ways that aren’t helpful. A wise person once said “comparison is the thief of joy.” For me, that sentiment reveals a truth about the way we make evaluations about our own lives. We often compare what is happening in our lives to what we see of the lives of others. The difference is, we know our WHOLE lives- all of our shortcomings, mistakes, etc. However, when we look at the lives of others, all we see is the curated version of them they want us to see. I hate to jump on the bandwagon of blaming social media, but social media. Most folks don’t share about their bad moments to the extent they share about good ones. It’s human nature to actively present ourselves in positive ways. The danger of using only what people tell us as a method of comparison is that we inevitably end up viewing ourselves as less than, based on what is at best a half-truth! Someone posts about a new job they’ve received, and we don’t hear about the 15 or 20 rejection letters they got before that one yes. A friend shares wedding photos, but not mugshots of the breakups that came before. A new mother shares pictures of her maternity photo shoot, but may not have shared about a miscarriage that came a year before. Let me be clear; this is NOT a criticism of a positive-only social media presence. That is each person’s prerogative and right. However, I am suggesting that we should keep this reality in mind and work against not comparing ourselves to another’s social media avatar. Perception is not real life!

Second, who decides what is the “right” way? Are you actually talking about the expectations of the people around you? Is someone telling you that you “should” have done it one way or another? Psychologist Albert Ellis was famous for telling his clients that they were “should-ing all over” themselves (pun intended). If we were to critically evaluate the “shoulds” in our lives, many of us would find that they are really implicit and explicit messages we’ve received from others about how they believe we should do life. And, just because someone else told us to do something, doesn’t mean we have to! One of the responsibilities and privileges of adulthood is that we have the opportunity to make our own decisions. We get to decide how much influence other people we have in our lives. Sometimes, that we means we block out the opinions of people we love and care about when those opinions are not in our best interest. They cannot walk in your shoes. They do not live your experience. They do not live with the consequences of your choices- you do! You deserve to create a life for yourself that matches YOUR wants and desires, not those of another person, regardless of how much you might love and admire that person. Does that mean you might make some mistakes along the way? Absolutely. But does that mean that, if you pay attention to yourself, you might stumble upon something that only you could have discovered about yourself and for yourself? Absolutely. Run your own life. Don’t give away your power to anyone else!

Lastly, consider that the “straight” path might not be the most fulfilling path. Sometimes, there simply isn’t one right answer. Most of us, without much work, can think of a time when we experienced an unexpected surprise; something we didn’t know was coming, maybe didn’t even want, but it ended up being exactly what we needed. I am a firm believe that even those things that seem like detours can have a powerful purpose in our lives. This is not the cookie cutter “everything has a reason” response. Sometimes, we have to work to find the purpose in detours and distractions. Every time you hit a wall, make a mistake, or feel frustrated, stop and ask yourself a simple question:

What is there for me to learn in this situation?

You might find that what best positions you for your end goal is the lessons you gleaned from the experiences you thought you weren’t supposed to have. You have an opportunity to make the most of the long road, and even celebrate it, rather than viewing it as a failure. A familiar scripture is a clear reminder remember that something can be gained form any situation:

“ And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.”Romans 8:28

So, when you are tempted to think less of yourself because you didn’t have a direct route, consider what you learned along the way. Consider that most of us are figuring out this windy path together. Consider that no matter what you have experienced, you still have the opportunity to live the life God crafted just for you!

Thanks for reading, and make Well Choices!

One Step at A Time

Recently I was meeting with mentor of mine, and I was telling her about the mayhem that has been the last few months of my life. As we talked, she shared that her strategy for managing when she feels overwhelmed is this: “One Step at a Time.” It doesn’t really seem like a ground breaking revelation, and I’m sure I’ve heard the phrase before. But for some reason, at that time, it really resonated with me. Think about all the times you are simultaneously trying to manage many things all at once. How often are you successful at managing all those things the way you want to? I’ll answer for myself: very infrequently.

So, I had been thinking about this simple suggestion: One Step at a Time… and then, I heard a podcast, that solidified the concept for me.  The episode is title “Deep Work” and a researcher/computer scientist named Cal Newport explores the detriments of multitasking and the benefits of engaging in “Deep Work” where we focus our attention completely on one thing. Check it out here: Deep Work.

Anyway, so the combination of these two ideas really got me thinking about how we can work smarter, not harder, when it comes to managing the daily tasks of our lives. What if, instead of tackling everything all the time, we tackle one thing for a period of time, do well, and then move onto the next thing? When I think about the times I have felt most stressed and overwhelmed, they typically revolve around me having “too many things to do” and not enough time to do them in. Typically, to get myself out of that place, I have to make some radical decisions about priorities, even if that decision is only temporary. We can find ourselves in this situation for a number of different reasons. Sometimes, we have a YES problem:

“Can you help with this event?”   Yes.

“Can you run this errand for me?”  Yes.

“Can you sacrifice your own happiness to make my life easier?” Yes.

Don’t get me wrong; sometimes,  it’s great to say yes. Many of us want to be helpful and we all like to feel like we are giving something to others in our community. However, when we say yes without thinking, we can end up in situations that leave us taking on more than we can reasonably handle. So, before you say yes, ask yourself: “Given all my responsibilities right now, can I commit to this the way I would like to?” If the answer is no, govern yourself accordingly. A bigger issue (for another post coming soon!) is the internal explanations we give for saying yes all the time, often because we are afraid of what would happen if we said no.

Sometimes, we feel overwhelmed because we don’t manage our time well.  How often do you sit down and plan out your day before you start it? How often do you find yourself flipping through social media and before you know it, an hour has gone by? How often do you give yourself an estimate of how long a task will take before you start it? If these questions have you stumped, do a little experiment. Write down your schedule for the WHOLE WEEK- all 7 days.  What do you notice you’re spending your time on? Are you ok with your answer?

Other times, we are overwhelmed because emotionally, spiritually, or mentally, we are just not equipped to manage all the tasks in front of us. Here’s where the “One Step At a Time” piece comes in. It’s ok to prioritize. Don’t try to take on the world if you don’t have to. Write a list of all the things on your plate right now, and categorize each of them in two ways: important/not important and urgent/not urgent. This system will help your prioritize. Once the tasks are categorized, you can prioritize them in this order:

1. Important AND Urgent
2. Urgent and Not Important – Do you need to do this at all?
3. Important and Not Urgent
4. Not Urgent and Not Important- Do you need to do this a all?

So, when you settle down to tackle the first thing that is both urgent and important, mentally commit yourself to that thing. If it’s a project at work (and it’s feasible for you), take a break from checking email, looking at your phone, or chatting with coworkers for a set period of time.  If it’s a life project, (weight loss, managing your finances, etc), tackle that thing, and get to a benchmark point before you take on anthing else. In other words, it may not the best idea to start your plans to lose 50 pounds, raise your credit score 200 points, and double your devotional time ALL at once. Focused attention helps us to commit more fully, be more successful, and feel happier overall. When we try to do too much at one time, it’s easy to feel swept away by the winds of life, holding onto anything you can. This isn’t sustainable for a fulfilling life in the long term. Try deep work to build some deep roots!

So, let’s start simple.  What is the most important goal you have for yourself right now? Think about the things you are doing to currently work on it– are they working? Consider a shift in strategy- focus your attention and energy on this goal, and give yourseelf a specific target to reach. Think about ways you can commit yourself more fully to this goal. When you’ve reached that target, you can move on to the next thing!

Thanks for reading, and make Well Choices!

Lasting for the Long Haul

from http://www.nutricisedr.com/publications/nutritional-misfits-10-bad-habits-of-runners/

So I’m preparing to do a 10k this week. For many runners, this isn’t a great feat, but I’ve never been much of a runner so it’s taken some serious planning and training for me to feel ready to do well. As I’ve been preparing myself mentally and physically, I had the thought that some of the things I’ve learned in this process are strategies that you can apply to any long- term goal. I’ve learned a lot about goals in this process, and wanted to share some of the lessons I will take away from this experience.

• Set a goal ahead of time. I decided that I would do this about 6 months ago. The decision to seek out a big goal is often made up of smaller, seemingly minuscule decisions. But, it takes time to resolve each of those. I had to decide to do it, decide to pay for it, look at the training program, and decide each week to commit myself to that program. I wouldn’t have been able to accomplish all those steps if I had waited until two weeks before the race to get started! So, here’s the gist– it’s good to consider the long-term. Especially for something that will take a lot of preparation and planning to do well, set your goal well in advance. It will help you to think about and identify everything you will need to actually reach your goal, which is the next lesson learned.
• Understand what you need to succeed. When embarking on a big goal, it is well worth your time to sit down and think about how you can best set yourself up to succeed. What are the things that will be easy about the process. What will be harder? How can you prepare to combat the barriers you will face in the process? For me, I knew an important part of the process would be committing to actually jogging on the days I was supposed to according to my training program. That meant planning out my week to make sure I wouldn’t find excuses to just skip a day. It also meant getting some new shoes because I typically hadn’t jogged more than once a week consistently. For you, it might be setting up a deposit to your savings account just like it’s a bill, or sitting and talking with your partner about how the household will need to adjust to you going to back to school. Whatever the case may be, planning for the possibilities sets you up better for success!
• Prepare for discomfort. This one is a tough one. When we embark on a goal, we tend to have a rosy view that is focused on the outcome we desire. While it’s certainly important to be excited when you start out, not carefully considering the challenges can actually make it harder for us to persist. One of the things I’ve learned through this process is that if I know the discomfort is coming, I won’t be so discouraged by it. I knew I would experience some soreness after my first 5 mile run, so I prepared for it, and it was fine. I knew that I would need to stretch my legs more diligently so I could manage tightness in my muscles, so I did.  What are the areas of discomfort you might experience? When do you anticipate it will be hardest to stick to the plan you’ve set? What can you do about it?
• Seek out support. There are very few (if any) situations where support doesn’t make things better. It’s one of the reasons all the research indicates that support groups are helpful for anything from chronic or terminal illness, to weight loss, to parenting. Having support serves the important functions of having an arena where we can commiserate or celebrate, and having a method of accountability. For me, that support was my church training team. I knew that at least once a week, I wouldn’t be running alone. I knew I always had someone to check in with out be my progress, to hold me accountable for sticking to the program, and to encourage me when I didn’t feel like it. Having support, whatever the form, is a constant reminder that you are not alone. This support can be spiritual, social, or functional in nature. For some goals, you might need a little of all of those elements. It depends on the person and the purpose.
• Celebrate your success. Finally, plan to celebrate when you reach your goal! Knowing that a celebration will come with the achievement of your goal can act as a reward to keep going. It is also a monument to all the hard work you put in. When you reach the finish line, you deserve a pat on the back!

So, the moral of the story is that if you really want to last for the long haul, planning, support, and celebration are all important pieces of the puzzle. Whether it’s weight loss, or running, or a savings plan, or an educational goal, you will do better if you can set yourself up for success. So don’t wait. What do you want your future to look like?